What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 04:59
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Is 1500 calories enough for a 5’3 15-year-old who is non-active?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I think the readers, may guess!
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Have you ever accidentally found out that you were about to be fired?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
So whats the point in blame.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We all went to grammer schools
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Why do people with trauma easily recognize other people with trauma through eye contact?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What parts of the Bible, if any, are inappropriate to read to children? Why?
Who then, do I blame.?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
What is the sum of X+XX+XXX+XXXX?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She loved him until the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Comes on , in middle age.
But, we were locked up after school.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
One cannot live in the past .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I will be 64.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He knew the spot.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I waited trembling.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But ive been too sick for many years..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I have no regrets .
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was scared of men, in general
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im still living with it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
This is soul school!.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My family never makes their pension either.
I don,t even have a pension.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
When she asked me how she looked .
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Ive learnt so much.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
It was going to be , some day.
She was in good health!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
All the time i was locked up.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Would this be the day?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i lived it daily.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was 9 years of age.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She found it foreign!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was very sick at this time too.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She married twice! .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I could never make a relationship work though!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was seconnd youngest,
Why did i forgive my father ?
She wouldn,t have been !
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My life is so biszare .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What did i know ?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Was to survive, this bastard.
So, i spoilt her more .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I said to her
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Especially a lifetime of it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were not on the streets..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.